The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists tracks the nuclear capabilities of every country. We’re going to use their data to demonstrate Haskell’s HLearn library and the usefulness of abstract algebra to statistics. Specifically, we’ll see that the categorical distribution and kernel density estimates have monoid, group, and module algebraic structures. We’ll explain what this crazy lingo even means, then take advantage of these structures to efficiently answer real-world statistical questions about nuclear war. It’ll be a WOPR!